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Tekko 2014 GACHARIC SPIN x LOLITA DARK

This weekend I went to Tekkoshocon 2014 to see the bands Lolita Dark and Gacharic Spin!

Turns out, we ended up staying in the same hotel as both bands, so here's my run down.

Friday:
Spot GS in the lobby with their gear to go to rehearsal.
Go to the dealer's room to buy some merch and we find out from the guy working the booth that GS would be coming down, so we waited to wtach them sign a banner that they would be raffling off. We saw them sign the banner and then they began to walk past us. Koga stopped and looked at Teka. Me and Auroroa both motioned for her to pet Tek anad then Aurora was like "ii desu!" and Koga was like "ii?!" and we both went "Haaaai!" Then Koga crouched down and Teka DARTED over to her to give kisses and nearly knocked her over! Koga squealed and said "KAWAIIIIIII!!" then crouched again to pet her while Teka's tail wagged like crazy!  Then the rest of the band came over for pets and Teka was in her glory.

Up next was the Q&A:
Aurora told Hana how much of an inspirtaion she was to her and Hana gave her some really awesome advice!
I was the last to ask my question and showed Koga my PINK PANDA CD and everyone was like "HEEEEEE!!!" She was like "PINK PANDA!!!" It was adorable. I told her how I'm learning bass and wanted her DVDs. She told me to check out Amazon. lol

We all got in line for autographs and everyone signed our stuff. The band gave Teka pets again and Hana took her paws to play drums with. Dave got a picture of it and posted it on facebook. It was adorable too. I got to Koga and she pet Teka and then she signed my Pink Panda CD. She gave a really firm handshake like three times and I taught her to fist bump. :D

Saturday:
Saw GS in the lobby and Hana, Oreo, and Koga all came over to pet Teka and I gave them some kibble. Koga instantly took the food and fed Tek. Then they went to the flower shop..
Alisa came over and ninja'd a pet from Teka and I was like ":O!!"
The show was AMAZING. Lolita Dark did an AMAZING cover of RATM Killing in the Name Of. It was so so so good.
GS played all my favorite songs and uuuggghhhhh they are so good.
After the show, there was an autograph session and handshake. So we went to that. Alisa was first and introduced herself to me. It was really nice! I wasn't expecting it at all! Koga gave me two more handshakes and another fist bump and I taught her another handshake. lol

Sunday:
Saw Koga and Mai in 7-11 buying some things for noms and things. We went to the GS booth again and talked to the guy at the booth. Saw the drawing of the banner (we didn't win) annnnd Hana poked Teka's nose. Koga waved at us as we were leaving. sdlakfj

Monday:
Was sitting in the lobby with some Tekko staff and ended up talking to the guitarist of Lolita Dark for a while. He is in another band called False Empire. I told him I heard of them and he was really surprised. Met the vocalist and she was so grateful and was like "Thank you guys for coming!" So so so nice.

Then we left for the airport. Aurora saw the vocalist and got a hug from her! Cuuuuute~.

Overall, this weekend was absolutely amazing. I had such a great time and this has definitely been one of the best con experiences I've ever had.

BUTTERFLY DREAMER

Thursday I had a meeting with blindness and visual services about what to do with me going away to school. My counselor agrees with me that going away would be the best alternative, and also agrees that Louisiana would be the best fit for me if I am accepted into the program. I think I will be accepted though, because there's people who have some more vision than I do and were accepted.

I put in my application and have to send in my medical documentation about my eye sight and my mental health status. They also asked in the application what I plan to do in the future after training. Basically I said to have confidence to live on my own, learn Japanese braille/Japanese, help create or innovate new technologies in the blind community.

Now it's a waiting game.

Also my appeal for disability retirement was sent out by my lawyer so all correspondence goes through him now. Along with my supporting documentation to prove I am disabled, it will last longer than one year, etc.

Sooooo now we wait.

[UN[Known

There is a lot going on in my life at the moment, between facing my certain fears, finding ways to overcome them, and doing what is best for me.

First off, I would like to address the "Issue" with work. I am being terminated. This is actually a huge relief off of my shoulders. I haven't been yet, but I should hear soon on the decision. If I am, I can finally begin to pursue some other wonderful opportunities and see where that takes me.

Next, I purchased tickets for the County's transit authority bus thing to go to different places, while you have to call 24 hours in advance, I figured I could use the transit for doctor's appointments and things like that.

I've also decided that I would like to begin taking Tai Chi lessons. I think that this will not only help my mind, but of course my body as well, and then I'll be able to kick some butt.

I've discovered a lot of things that I'm terrified of that I must overcome, and I know that I am the only one who can make that happen and hold my head above water, yet uncertainty is still really scary.

REALize

There hasn't been much going on in my life as of recent to update, however I do feel like updating and getting some things off my chest and perhaps understand myself a little better.

For the past year, I have been going to a therapist to help with my anxiety, depression, and to work out some other issues that I've come to realize that I have--such as an extreme terror of losing my vision, being alone, and my lack of self-esteem.

I have been working very hard these last few months to better myself not only mentally, but physically as well. I have started to eat better and exercise more, which makes me feel good too. I like exercising and there are a few minor spots that I need to lean out.

Mentally, I understand what is wrong with me and have been trying very very hard to maintain a positive outlook and keep an open mind. I've found who I am again and know what I like to do (as in hobbies). I am still pretty isolated, but I am working to fix that too.

I am certainly a lot more happier than I was and there is always room for improvement. I have been keeping track of my mood and how I am feeling each day to give myself an even better understanding and figure out ways to manage those moods.

As silly as this may sound, I have figured out one of my weaknesses and it is "love" as a whole... I am terrified of being alone (without a partr or losing a family member) and that no one will want me. I am terrified of going completely blind and then feeling even more alone that no one will want me. However, I am preparing myself for the day that I potentially go blind, but no matter how much preparation is done, there will be depression along with it. That is, of course, until I pull myself back up. I know I am not worthless, and I know I have a purpose in this world--I just need to find that purpose. I have plenty of reasons to continue moving forward and I do and will.

There was even a point where we had a family session in therap that opened up a lot of feelings and discoveries about me and my parents. My mother, for instance, is completely cool with me moving across the country, but not moving 30 minutes away. She says she has her reasons, but I'm not quite sure. One of them is that she thinks I will call for things if I am 30 minnutes away, but if I was across the country, I wouldn't have that option. I don't know if I agree with that, since I am trying to aim to be more independent.

I've done some things around my house to help me out too. I've labeled some items so I know what they are, I've completely cleaned out one closet and am organizing another closet so I know which clothing is which as far as color goes.

I've set goals for myself and trying to be more active in the way of getting out of my house and going for walks in different cities around the area.

And I feel like I'm writing in circles, I'm not sure why.

I guess, overall, what I'm trying to say is I'm feeling better or at least starting to feel better.

Oh! I recently put in an application to get a puppy. My mother says "No!" but ultimately it's my decision and I believe that another animal will help both me and Teka. Teka grew up with other dogs or animals around to play with and I want her to be happy and have another dog to play with. This isn't me saying I don't like playing tug with her, because I do, but it's just another resource for us. My mother seems to think that I will be putting Teka on the back burner and stuff along those lines, but I feel that Teka will be really helpful in me training this puppy. My siter in law doesn't think I can train a puppy, I'm not really sure why.. But I will prove everyone wrong andshow them that I can take care of another dog and have a good relationship with both dogs in my life. Teka is my guide dog soulmate and she can't be replaced in my heart, I want to give her a friend. Is that so wrong? I don't think it is.

Aaah, I guess I should end this here, since I'm starting to doze off and it is pretty late.

Until next time

Adieu

tiRED

I am incredibly tired of going to the doctors. I have gone to three appointments this week, and have two appointments each week for the next three+.

I had my first gynecological oncologist appointment yesterday. The doctor is extremely nice and genuinely seemed interested in the stories I was telling him. He explained to me about the tumor I have/had. Basically, it was a malignant tumor, very close to boardering legit cancer. Next week I have a CT scan schedule to scan my whole abdominal region to get a better look as to what is going on, then ultrasounds and more doctors visits after that.

I suppose it's just another thing to add to my list. I don't think I can have children, or I shouldn't. I can't. I don't want to put them through this. I'm at a much higher risk of getting colon cancer and breast cancer since they run in my family, as well as lung cancer. and a few other cancers...

Also, yesterday I found out I have a lung disorder too. I don't remember the name of it, but it's really frustrating. I have a thyroid disorder, mental health disorders, heart murmur, cyst on spleen, gallstones, blind, ovarian stuff, and now lung issues.

My body is a wreck and it doesn't seem to be getting any better. I don't really know what to do or how to handle all of this. I feel extremely alone and beside myself.

tRUST

Lately, there has been a lot on my mind. Way too much to actually comprehend for the most part, but there have been a few things lingering in the background. The first thing is my issues with trusting people. I know I have trust issues, and I am trying extremely hard to work on them and become a better person, however, it is very hard to work on something like that when there is a constant of being let down, screwed over, or ignored entirely. As well as the doubt of trust people due to my blindness. It is a very hard pill to swallow, to trust when you can't see. At least it is for me, I'm not sure about other blind individuals, but all I can speak for is myself. I focus a lot on judgement and what others may or may not think of me, and I fear if they know I can't see, then they will leave me behind or not like me or even treat me differently because of it. Deep down, I know I shouldn't feel that way, because the people who truly care about me don't notice it or mention it or half the time don't remember that I can't see. They don't see me as "the blind girl," they see me as me--as Caitlin--and I'm not sure why it's so hard for me to accept that. It's possible that it could stem from a relationship years ago, in which the person didn't believe in me.. Constantly belittled me and told me I wasn't going anywhere in life. That has had a profound impact on me, especially since I cared so much about that person and they betrayed me and stabbed me in the back. I also feel that people can do a lot better than me, because of my eyesight. I know I need to get over that and think significantly more positive. Yet, it is so difficult to feel positive and be positive when you are literally trapped in your house as though it is a prison. More than anything I would I want sincere happiness and genuine love from the one who is "the love of my life." Getting to that point means overcoming these obstacles, which I am doing my best with doing that. I am even trying to better myself in the blind community more than usual. I am going to be teaching myself Braille, continue painting, and playing bass. I am ready to explore and learn even more new things and be more secure with myself. Yet, I know in order to do those things, I am also going to need a little help. Although, I know I can get there and I will get there. I just need to keep going and having faith..

DREAM C@Tcher

There has been a lot on my mind recently in regards to an assortment of things in my life. As of right now, I am currently on FMLA from work, which leaves me in a tough situation in the financial standpoint, however if OPM finds me suitable for Disability Retirement, I will back-paid. The woman at work seemed fairly confident that I will get the retirement package, as well as Social Security will also accept it. My emotional state has seemed to pick up, which is a good sign. I still need to focus on a few aspects of myself in order to feel how I did a few years ago, but I suppose I am getting there. It makes me happy to know I'm on the road to recovery in my mental state. My medication seems to be helping a lot as well. However, there are still some days where I lose all ambition, all motivation, aspiration, and inspiration to do just about anything. I have made a plan to do a little cleaning, housework, and exercise in the mornings. I have been waking up around 4AM every day, and usually no one is up, so I figure that is when I can get my housework and the like fit in. My mother also thinks it is a good idea for me to get a work-from-home part time job. I am not sure where to even start to look for something like that. I suppose I will eventually find something, though. Also, I have been considering selling some more things on eBay. I have a few things I can put up that I think will sell, but it's just a matter of time.

PRepaRE

Teka has some type of conjunctivitis. I'm pretty concerned, but I'm handling it well. We are making an emergency trip to Cornell tomorrow.

ForWArD

While sitting here watching some anime, I've actually come to the realiztion on how much I have grown in the last few months and years.

These last two years have been quite eventful! I have gained a bit more confidence than I originally had, I attribute a good portion of that to Teka. She has definitely helped in that regard. She's also helped me be less shy and come out of my shell moreso than I had ever thought possible.

My little four legged soulmate! You have given me the opportunity to meet some really awesome people (and some really ignorant ones too), but we have educated and done great things! As you nap and listen to the tapping of my fingers on my kayboard and Chemical Pictures, I have to smile. You make me really happy. All your little quirks... When you walk in a circle, plop down and roll onto your back to get your belly rubbed, the way you protect me when people hug me by nudging them and giving them kisses. Because, you know that's very terrifying! The way you yip in your sleep. And that way you give people the stare down until they pet you.  The way you prance around so proudly with your toys and the cute snorts that go along with it or how when you already have one toy in your mouth and think you can fit another in there, but you can't.

Okay, okay... But seriously, I've gained a lot more confidence since I've gotten her. We have our yearly visit from the Guide Dog school coming up in July! I'm a little nervous, but really excited to meet the instructor! It should be a great learning experience for us.

The Optimistic Pessimist

By nature, I'm a pessimist. I don't really look at the possibility of good outcomes. In fact, I automatically go to the worst possible outcome. However, perhaps the best possible outcome in the worst situations.

I have always been like this, for as long as I can remember, and it's not something I am proud of. I've heard "You are so strong." Except, I am only when it is absolutely necessary. I am the shoulder for friends and family to cry on. I am that pillar for everyone who needs me...except, when I feel that I need a crutch...there is nothing. I know that it's not true, but I have found myself going to the same few people to pull myself back up out of the hole that I have found myself in. And those that I would like to help give the same responses "Do it yourself." But how can you pull youself up if you're on unsteady ground?

I wish I knew the answer. I would love to be able to do that. Although, I seem to pull myself up and dust myself off regardless.. It's just getting harder.

26

I'm officially 26.

YaMU SOrA (Sick Sky)

My physical health hasn't been the greatest this last week... It's actually quite annoying, but I'm dealing with it. As of right now, I am starting to feel a bit better, which is good. Hopefully, I will be able to keep it up!

This week is a very important week for me, too. Wednesday marked the one year anniversary of me going out to California to get my guide dog, and today marks the one year anniversary of receiving my guide dog and starting training with her. Happy one year, Teka!

It's actually really surprising how quickly this first year has flown by. Looking back, a lot has happened within one year. I wonder what will happen this year?

NeW YEaR

Happy New Year, everyone!

It's officially 2012! Did you make it to midnight? I barely did.

Generally, I'm not one for New Years resolutions. I don't see a point to them and very seldomly stick to them if I do make any. The big one for most people is "lose weight," isn't it? I don't want to do that, but I would like to exercise more to stay in shape. I guess I should add "eating better" to that... Since I now own legit, good pots and pans and a toaster oven, I can cook.

But here is my list of things I'd like to accomplish in 2012:
+I'd like to learn more about as much as possible.
+Become a better person.
+Visit places I have never been (and actually take a vacation).
+Read more books.
+Try to do more public speaking events
+RELAX

Now I'd like to recap 2011 (I know, I'm going backwards here):
+Received my first Guide Dog.
+Met some really awesome people at Guide Dog school.
-Numerous eye surgeries and the complications that went with them.
-Work related issues due to numerous eye surgeries/complications.
+Bought a house.
+Boyfriend.
-Family health issues.
+Selected as the 2012 Arline Philips Achievement Award winner.

All in all, 2011 seemed to have evened itself out.

Here's to a new year and hoping the world doesn't end (haha)!!

AWarD

Since my last entry, well..two days after my last entry I received a letter from the Association for the Blind in Exeter. It's the Greater Wilkes-Barre chapter. On my way back to my house, my dad told me I received a letter, but didn't tell me what it was. I had no idea and immediately said "I don't know what it could be. I don't think I did anything wrong..." My mind immedately goes to negative situations.

My dad leaves and goes to his house to pick up my mom. They both come back with the letter and I open it. My mom reads it to me and I start crying. The contents of the letter stating that I was nominated and selected for the 2012 Arline Philips Achievement Award for Greater Wilkes-Barre. The reason for my crying is because I was in shock and certainly did not expect anything like that.

I remember sitting at one of the award ceremonies years prior "Wouldn't it be cool if I were to win that one year? I don't think that would happen though." Low and behold! This year was my year.

The award letter states "This award is presented to a blind or visually impaired person whose lifestyle reflects a level of independence that serves as an example for others."

I am truly honored by the selection and the following day I called the Association to accept the nomination and talk about what happens next. I don't have much to do aside from picture taking with the sponsers once they have been selected.

The awards ceremony will be 12 Sept. It's a while away, but I'm still excited!

FlattERY

Today was another eye doctor appointment. It went really well, and I'm really happy with the results. My eye pressures have been staying stable, which is great! However, I have to have another yag laser procedure to remove some more membrane from the capsule of the eye (lens of the eye). The procedure isn't painful and it's really quick. Immediately afterwards I see almost a rainbow effect and am a little dizzy, but other than that I'm good. The nurses help me back to the waiting room, where my dad and Teka are. Teka's usually insanely happy to see me.

This next part, though, is flattering. My doctor invited me to speak at a local Lion's Club meeting. Basically, he said that he'd like me to talk about my experiences before having a guide dog, the process of getting a dog, and my experience thus far with her.

I honestly wasn't expecting that. I accepted the offer and gave him my contact information. Once he gets more information, he will pass it on along to me. The presentation isn't until the end of January, so I have some time to prepare and figure out what I would like to say. I pretty much have a general idea, but there is going to be some fine tuning later on.

Looking back on previous public speaking events that I have done, I have noticed a change.

I'm not as shy as I used to be when presenting. I think it deals with the fact my eyes aren't as good as they used to be in high school and college. That's a plus. The downside to that is, I have to memorize my whole speech, but I don't foresee that being much of an issue. By nature, I am a very shy person, but certain situations and circumstances have broken that habit--at least a little bit.

I suppose that that's it for now.

PIEceS

I have been wanting to write again. I used to write poetry a lot. None of it was any good and it was usually when I was a depressed teenager. However, the urge has struck me again. I've contemplated writing a book, but I'm not sure what it would be about...an autobiography? What have I done that's so spectacular? Nothing particular.

ToNGue tIEd

There's a lot that I want to say, but putting it into words is proving more difficult than originally anticipated.

So, I sit and stare at the blinking cursor on my computer screen, music and the hum of computer fans masking the silence of this house, while Teka lays peacefully at my feet.

Hmm...

There are some very significant things going on in my life, but at the same time I feel like there's nothing.

I took a taxi ride to Wal-mart. The ride was about 2.1 miles (roughly eight minutes) and cost $15. So, roundtrip would have cost me $30.. I cracked and called my parents for a ride home. I am proud of myself, though. At least I ventured out for a little while.  

ReflectION

A friend of mine posted a blog reflecting on the last few years of her life. It seemed to have sparked some reflection of my own, which may or may not end up being a mini autobiography of the last couple of years.

It was 2008, I had big plans to move to New York City to be in an apartment with two friends. I had just graduated college in May and began my search of what would probably be one of the most life-changing experiences of life--at least that's how I saw it at the time.

No luck on finding a job and then found out that one of the friends I'd be moving with bailed. So, my other friend and me continued our search. I still pursued job opportunities with the hopes of finding something and nothing..

August of that same year was a huge turning point in my life. I had been suffering from hemmorhages in my eyes throughout my final semester in college and it nearly cost me a part in a play (luckily it didn't, because I had a great time in that play). The retina in my right eye had detached.

Now as one would think it would be painful, it wasn't. Fright and uncertainty were the things I was more concerned about. I had a surgery to correct the detachment and had many, many follow-up visits; visits I am still going to at the present time.

I'll spare the gorey details of pre-, and post-surgery. The surgery was a success and I gained some vision back (maybe more than what was expected). I was happy how everything turned out in that regard.

Once I recovered from surgery I begame my job hunt again. Both in the area and NYC. Still, nothing. I decided to go for a CompTIA A+ certification. I took some classes on that and the exam.

A few weeks prior to the A+ exam, I had an interview for a job at my current employer. I had the interview and it seemed to go really well. Everyone was friendly and I got a small tour as well as see a few friends who worked with my dad in the Fire Department. I was told I would hear within a week if I was selected for the position. After only a few days, I received a phonecall asking if I want the position. Of course, I was overjoyed that I had finally landed a job, and without any thought accepted the offer.

I was to start work on my birthday, but with some paperwork mix up I wasn't able to start until the following pay period, which was fine by me, since I didn't really want to start a new job on my birthday.

By this point, I was saving money and still living at home with my parents. I was also going to Connecticut every other weekend. I do appreciate certain aspects for the reason I was going out there. I probably wouldn't have gotten up the courage to travel alone to unfamiliar places. So, thanks for that.

The first few months of work flew by and then I found out that the cataracts I had in my eyes had gotten worse and would require surgeries. I had both surgeries done (one in September of 2009 and the other in February 2010). Those surgeries were also successful.

I had moved out of my parents house and into a small apartment down the street. It was a basement apartment with hardly any sunlight and a noisy neighbor above me. I was happy--for the most part--doing my own thing and being more independant. However, things didn't feel quite right.

There was a development of glaucoma in my better eye... I tried multiple sets and variations of eyedrops to lower the pressure, but those didn't seem to help. Another surgery (or two) was required.

The first surgery required an artificial duct be put i n to relieve the amount of fluid in my eye due to the blockage of the real duct from abnormal blood vessels (this is from Retinopathy of Prematurity). This surgery seemed to help for about three weeks.. Until I began experiencing dibilitating pain in the eye. So, in I went for the second surgery to laser a part of the "faucet" (I don't know the technical term) and remove some of the blood vessels blocking the artifical duct.

That surgery seemed to have some more success. I was prescribed a few more eyedrops to help control the eye pressue and things seemed to be looking up again!

Prior to the glaucoma surgeries I had put an application in for a Guide Dog from Guide Dogs for the Blind. I did a phone interview and then a home interview a few months later. I was on pins and needles waiting to find out if I had been accepted to the program or not. And then the phonecall I had been waiting for! Acceptance!

I was told that I would be attending class in March of 2011. Very exciting, although I had also been trying to plan a tripp to Japan for that same exact time. I decided to go with the Guide Dog, since it would silly of me, because Japan wasn't going anywhere.

March comes and I leave Avoca in a snow storm for sunny San Franscico, California. I couldn't have been more wrong. It rained nearly the entire time I was there. I really did enjoy my time there, despite the rain. I met some really awesome people (students, staff, instructors) and went to some really awesome places and vintage shops.

I'm sure I've written about those experiences to some extent in previous entries (along with whatever else I wrote above) or have talked about it in person to friends/IMs/texts/email/social media. If I haven't and you're curious, just ask me... But anyway!

About a week or so after I came back with Teka, I found out the retina in my left eye detached. Same surgery as with the right, however I can only see hand movements and blobs out of that eye now. The best way to describe it is like looking through a toilet paper roll covered with wax paper. I'm still trying to figure out how to explain what I can see with my right eye. When I get that, I'll let you know. All I can see is the big E on the eye chart and even that's somewhat blurry.

Moving on...

I needed a bigger place once I got home with my beloved four-legged black Lab. So, house-hunting... House-hunting and no dice. No dice, no dice.. AND FINALLY! I bid on a nice house and was accepted!

Paperwork was all filed out and had the house turned over to me. I moved in mid-July. Teka and I really like it!

Then about a month after I moved in, more good things happened--unexpectedly.--which I am very much pleased with the way they are turning out.

I just realized I didn't even mention... I had an abrasion (scratch) on my cornea that took five months to heal to a point where I didn't have to wear a bandage contact and put a crazy regiment of eyedrops in. I still have a very, very small abrasion, but nothing near as bad as it was. Apparently, a 1mm abrasion can cripple a grown man. I am stronger than a grown man, since my abrasion was 1.9mm by 2.1mm after 4 months of healing. Haha.

There's plenty of other things I can think of as good and bad, but then I would just start rambling moreso than I already have.

I'll keep going just a little longer...

My cat, Whiskers, who I have had for over 15 years had to be put to sleep. His health was declining and he might have had a stroke. From what my dad told me, he was unable to use his back legs. As much as I didn't want him to go, it was for the best. Making him suffer would be cruel and I didn't want to see or make him suffer. He didn't deserve to suffer. He lived a full, healthy, and happy life as my pet, friend and family member. It still hurts just thinking about him. It was heartbreaking when I went over to my parents house, expecting to see him outside, running over to greet us as we got out of the car... To not see his food and water bowls on the floor in the kitchen... To not hear his paws clicking against the flooring...was...is still really hard. One day, we will meet again, in one life or another.

Despite all the bad that I've endured, there's definitely been a lot of good. I'm not quite sure if one outweighs the other and quite frankly, I don't want to know. As long as I keep up with a fighting spirit, I'll be okay.

From the Beginning

Usually I find myself thinking "This will be okay," but whatever that "this" is doesn't turn out as how I expected. A good majority of the time it ends in failure or letdowns for one or all parties involved.

In an ideal world, we would have everything we could ever want, hope, wish, and desire. However, this life certainly isn't ideal and yes, I've realized this a long, long time ago. I find myself in the mindset of  "never" being able to get where I want to go, do what I want to do, travel where I want to travel and be what I want to be. In due time, though, I suppose I will get to the point that I have accomplished every thing on my rather short bucket list.

I am still rather young, anyway--seeing as how 25 really isn't THAT old. Some days, I beg to differ.

Health-wise, I feel like I am deteriorating. With the near constant anxiety attacks I have been suffering, the constant visits to the eye doctor is rather draining. Yet, I chug along and keep going.

Work-wise isn't much better. I have been questioned on why I have been taking so much leave--yet, I have been hired under the authority for a people with a disability, so it is not like they hired me not knowing I am visually impaired. I was given the numbers of how much leave I have taken as well. And in my defence, in the last two years, I have had roughly nine or so eye surgeries, well over 100 visits to the eye doctors for follow-up exams and the issues that have come about. 

I am capable of doing my work properly and efficiently. I have proven that fact, however I do need to go to these appointments to keep what remaining vision I have intact. Otherwise, I would be needing more time off to rehabilitate, learn and cope.

I have been documenting everything and one of my four eye doctors has written letters to my organization stating the procedures done and requirements and limitations that may be encountered.

Graduate school is something I am still strongly considering,, but I have to consider my options of online schools compared to physical locations. I would love to do a program that I can travel to Japan and perhaps do some type of research project there. Although, I'm not entirely sure how to go about that. Also, I would need housing if I were to go to a physical location along with some type of job opportunity (work-study or part time job).

Honestly, I'm not even sure why I am thinking of these things... I want so much, yet here I am holding myself back because I am scared of being judged for whatever reason that may be. My eyesight plays a big role in it. I would absolutely love to go to Japan (and I know there are blind people who have), but I am terrified of getting lost. Then, there are all the requirements I will have to provide for AQS (Animal Quarintine Service), which I don't have an issue doing, but I'm afraid of access restrictions--not into the country, but into shops, restaurants, and the like. The worst that can be said is "no," and I know this, yet I'm still thinking too much.

My thoughts seem very scattered, even in this entry. I need to just sit back, take a few deep breaths, and relax.