Usually I find myself thinking "This will be okay," but whatever that "this" is doesn't turn out as how I expected. A good majority of the time it ends in failure or letdowns for one or all parties involved.
In an ideal world, we would have everything we could ever want, hope, wish, and desire. However, this life certainly isn't ideal and yes, I've realized this a long, long time ago. I find myself in the mindset of "never" being able to get where I want to go, do what I want to do, travel where I want to travel and be what I want to be. In due time, though, I suppose I will get to the point that I have accomplished every thing on my rather short bucket list.
I am still rather young, anyway--seeing as how 25 really isn't THAT old. Some days, I beg to differ.
Health-wise, I feel like I am deteriorating. With the near constant anxiety attacks I have been suffering, the constant visits to the eye doctor is rather draining. Yet, I chug along and keep going.
Work-wise isn't much better. I have been questioned on why I have been taking so much leave--yet, I have been hired under the authority for a people with a disability, so it is not like they hired me not knowing I am visually impaired. I was given the numbers of how much leave I have taken as well. And in my defence, in the last two years, I have had roughly nine or so eye surgeries, well over 100 visits to the eye doctors for follow-up exams and the issues that have come about.
I am capable of doing my work properly and efficiently. I have proven that fact, however I do need to go to these appointments to keep what remaining vision I have intact. Otherwise, I would be needing more time off to rehabilitate, learn and cope.
I have been documenting everything and one of my four eye doctors has written letters to my organization stating the procedures done and requirements and limitations that may be encountered.
Graduate school is something I am still strongly considering,, but I have to consider my options of online schools compared to physical locations. I would love to do a program that I can travel to Japan and perhaps do some type of research project there. Although, I'm not entirely sure how to go about that. Also, I would need housing if I were to go to a physical location along with some type of job opportunity (work-study or part time job).
Honestly, I'm not even sure why I am thinking of these things... I want so much, yet here I am holding myself back because I am scared of being judged for whatever reason that may be. My eyesight plays a big role in it. I would absolutely love to go to Japan (and I know there are blind people who have), but I am terrified of getting lost. Then, there are all the requirements I will have to provide for AQS (Animal Quarintine Service), which I don't have an issue doing, but I'm afraid of access restrictions--not into the country, but into shops, restaurants, and the like. The worst that can be said is "no," and I know this, yet I'm still thinking too much.
My thoughts seem very scattered, even in this entry. I need to just sit back, take a few deep breaths, and relax.
Saturday, August 13, 2011
Sunday, April 17, 2011
Broken
This week has been something else...
I'll start off with last weekend, though. Friday, I ventured out to Queens to hang out with my friend Jessica -- she pretty much knows me better than anyone else, I'd say. We've known each other since 2nd grade, so..
We went to her apartment and hung out for a while, she packed and we went to bed. We woke up early on Saturday and got ready to head out to Boston to see Chris Hardwick's stand up show. I was pretty excited about it!
When we got to our hotel, it turned out the reservations didn't go through like Mariotte's website said.. And I couldn't find my confirmation email either, however we were able to get a room. The hotel was basically right across from the venue, so it wasn't bad at all!
We walked around Boston for a while before the show. We took Teka to a park, where EVERYONE was walking their dogs. All these little dogs swarmed her, it was so cute and really funny. She didn't pay much attention to them, so I praised her and gave her some kibble for her good deeds.
Priot to the park, we went to this burrito place called Boloco or something like that.. I had THE BEST burrito there. It was teriyaki sauce, broccoli, onions, carrots, chicken and brown rice in a whole wheat tortilla wrap. Fantastic! I miss it... And I had an oreo cookie smoothie with it.
Around 1830 (I'm going to use the 24 hour clock because I like it and it's easier for me, so that 6:30PM, for all you non-24 hour clock users). Jess, Teka, and myself headed over to the venue. I had our tickets ready and handed them to the ticket people when it was our turn in line. Everyone at the theatre was VERY nice and accommodating to us. They even removed a chair for Teka so she could lay down.
We were very close to the stage, so that was nice. I wasn't able to see too much of what was going on, but Jess helped me with that.
Overall, the show was great, I had a fantastic time! Afterward, we waited in line to meet Chris. Teka waddled in with her yellow raincoat. I put it on her because it was kind of dark in the building and I didn't want anyone to step on her or try to run her over outside. Anyway! Chris got to meet Teka (and me) and she was really happy to get some affection from someone that wasn't me. I think if she had it her way, she would have laid down and wanted her belly rubbed, but I didn't want to hold up the line! So, we after a few exchanges of "thank you," we parted ways and headed back to the hotel.
Sunday morning, we woke up, ate breakfast and headed to the bus station back to NYC. The bus ride was okay.. Then I had to grab something quick to eat and head off to my next bus back home.
I was going to sit on a panel for Tech-dogs iPhone panel, but my phone didn't have reception in Port Authority and by the time I had reception, it was over. So, I truly apologize for that..
The bus ride back to PA was decent. I met the most brilliant older gent on the bus. We talked about movies and shared life experiences. He seemed to have lived a great life thus far despite his girlfriend and him splitting up recently. I told him not to regret a thing, because a life with regret isn't much of a life and to look at the positive things. He's learned a lot and experienced such great things! I think he seemed a bit surprised to hear that coming from a 25 year old. I've been through my fair share of bumpy roads, so that's where I've acquired that bit of wisdom.
I'm really, truly grateful to have met that man and to have talked to him for such a short time of an hour and a half.
Monday came and it was surgery day. This surgery was to re-attach my retina that sneakily detached itself without me doing anything. Good ol' Retinopathy of Prematurity. Just went things are going good, something like this comes along and kicks me in the ass.
The surgery went really well and the first post op exam also went really well. My doctor is fantastic. I've been going to him since I was about 10, I think. He genuinely cares about me and that's a great feeling too. The second post op went smoothly as well, so I was pleased about that. My doctor was pleasantly surprised to see how well I was doing after such a short time. My next exam will be Tuesday.
I am a little nervous and my eye seems to be leaking sangeneous (sp?) fluid. Although, I believe this has happened before with my right eye.
As for Teka's care and well-being. She is doing great with this whole process. My parents take her out to do her business and I continue to feed and do the rest with her. My dad has been concerned since she started following him around. I told him that it wasn't a big deal and she would start following me again in no time. Low and behold, I was right. We've stayed in my apartment together the last two nights and she has been by my side ever since.
Today, we went house-hunting sort of.. There is a house that's right up the street from my parents that is for sale. It's a ranch style and very nice inside. It's all hardwood floor, which is fantastic and it's a 3 bedroom with a carport and garage. It would be great for Teka to play in during the winter months. The only downside is the price.. It's rather expensive and I would definitely need a roommate or two to help with bills and such. As much as I like my privacy, I need a bigger place for me and Teka. Besides, I can sacrifice my privacy.. I did rather well in college, so I think I'd okay!
We shall see where this leads...
Until then!
バイバイ！
I'll start off with last weekend, though. Friday, I ventured out to Queens to hang out with my friend Jessica -- she pretty much knows me better than anyone else, I'd say. We've known each other since 2nd grade, so..
We went to her apartment and hung out for a while, she packed and we went to bed. We woke up early on Saturday and got ready to head out to Boston to see Chris Hardwick's stand up show. I was pretty excited about it!
When we got to our hotel, it turned out the reservations didn't go through like Mariotte's website said.. And I couldn't find my confirmation email either, however we were able to get a room. The hotel was basically right across from the venue, so it wasn't bad at all!
We walked around Boston for a while before the show. We took Teka to a park, where EVERYONE was walking their dogs. All these little dogs swarmed her, it was so cute and really funny. She didn't pay much attention to them, so I praised her and gave her some kibble for her good deeds.
Priot to the park, we went to this burrito place called Boloco or something like that.. I had THE BEST burrito there. It was teriyaki sauce, broccoli, onions, carrots, chicken and brown rice in a whole wheat tortilla wrap. Fantastic! I miss it... And I had an oreo cookie smoothie with it.
Around 1830 (I'm going to use the 24 hour clock because I like it and it's easier for me, so that 6:30PM, for all you non-24 hour clock users). Jess, Teka, and myself headed over to the venue. I had our tickets ready and handed them to the ticket people when it was our turn in line. Everyone at the theatre was VERY nice and accommodating to us. They even removed a chair for Teka so she could lay down.
We were very close to the stage, so that was nice. I wasn't able to see too much of what was going on, but Jess helped me with that.
Overall, the show was great, I had a fantastic time! Afterward, we waited in line to meet Chris. Teka waddled in with her yellow raincoat. I put it on her because it was kind of dark in the building and I didn't want anyone to step on her or try to run her over outside. Anyway! Chris got to meet Teka (and me) and she was really happy to get some affection from someone that wasn't me. I think if she had it her way, she would have laid down and wanted her belly rubbed, but I didn't want to hold up the line! So, we after a few exchanges of "thank you," we parted ways and headed back to the hotel.
Sunday morning, we woke up, ate breakfast and headed to the bus station back to NYC. The bus ride was okay.. Then I had to grab something quick to eat and head off to my next bus back home.
I was going to sit on a panel for Tech-dogs iPhone panel, but my phone didn't have reception in Port Authority and by the time I had reception, it was over. So, I truly apologize for that..
The bus ride back to PA was decent. I met the most brilliant older gent on the bus. We talked about movies and shared life experiences. He seemed to have lived a great life thus far despite his girlfriend and him splitting up recently. I told him not to regret a thing, because a life with regret isn't much of a life and to look at the positive things. He's learned a lot and experienced such great things! I think he seemed a bit surprised to hear that coming from a 25 year old. I've been through my fair share of bumpy roads, so that's where I've acquired that bit of wisdom.
I'm really, truly grateful to have met that man and to have talked to him for such a short time of an hour and a half.
Monday came and it was surgery day. This surgery was to re-attach my retina that sneakily detached itself without me doing anything. Good ol' Retinopathy of Prematurity. Just went things are going good, something like this comes along and kicks me in the ass.
The surgery went really well and the first post op exam also went really well. My doctor is fantastic. I've been going to him since I was about 10, I think. He genuinely cares about me and that's a great feeling too. The second post op went smoothly as well, so I was pleased about that. My doctor was pleasantly surprised to see how well I was doing after such a short time. My next exam will be Tuesday.
I am a little nervous and my eye seems to be leaking sangeneous (sp?) fluid. Although, I believe this has happened before with my right eye.
As for Teka's care and well-being. She is doing great with this whole process. My parents take her out to do her business and I continue to feed and do the rest with her. My dad has been concerned since she started following him around. I told him that it wasn't a big deal and she would start following me again in no time. Low and behold, I was right. We've stayed in my apartment together the last two nights and she has been by my side ever since.
Today, we went house-hunting sort of.. There is a house that's right up the street from my parents that is for sale. It's a ranch style and very nice inside. It's all hardwood floor, which is fantastic and it's a 3 bedroom with a carport and garage. It would be great for Teka to play in during the winter months. The only downside is the price.. It's rather expensive and I would definitely need a roommate or two to help with bills and such. As much as I like my privacy, I need a bigger place for me and Teka. Besides, I can sacrifice my privacy.. I did rather well in college, so I think I'd okay!
We shall see where this leads...
Until then!
バイバイ！
Thursday, March 31, 2011
Destined.
If you ever sit down and wonder "What would this be like if __________," then it's probably a good assumption that it's better left unknown. I do often wonder what it's like to be able to see, but I know I certainly wouldn't be the same person I am today. Perhaps I would have been more out-going, more courageous, more ambitious, less shy, less depressed, less scared. However, I have found a voice -- a small one, but a voice none the less.
I have conquered some of my fears and I have overcome difficult challenges, adversity, and pain with plenty of blood, sweat, and tears to go along with it. I don't and can't regret all that I've done.
But the best thing to walk it's way into my life is on four legs and after only a few short weeks, she has stolen my heart.
Teka has opened my eyes to so many different and new things in such a short time. The good, the bad, the annoying, the ignorant, but most of all -- the most important thing -- the beauty. Beauty of companionship, loyalty, and friendship -- as corny and cheesy, or cliche that may sound. I already feel like we make an amazing team and I've never felt better. I've never felt so liberated and free. I don't have to try so hard to figure out what's in front of me or where that step or curb is, etc..
However, there's a tinge of loneliness still. Yes, she fills a giant hole, but there's still something missing. I know that there's no need to rush to find what I'm looking for, though. I'm young and have quite a while to find exactly what I need. And even though I feel hopeless and helpless at times, I get back up and continue forward. I've already started to push the boundaries of my comfort zone and I was triumphant with that push. I've flown cross-country and lived in an unfamiliar place (albeit for three weeks). I felt comfortable there.
I've connected with new people who have made a great impact. It's something I won't forget.
There's a novelty that is starting to wear off though. The happiness and joy I felt the last three weeks is starting to wear off. I'm not entirely sure what it's from. It could be just the general mood of NEPA and/or weather or work or lack of sleep..
Whatever it is, I'm sure I'll figure it out and find the answer to what is looming over my head.
I have conquered some of my fears and I have overcome difficult challenges, adversity, and pain with plenty of blood, sweat, and tears to go along with it. I don't and can't regret all that I've done.
But the best thing to walk it's way into my life is on four legs and after only a few short weeks, she has stolen my heart.
Teka has opened my eyes to so many different and new things in such a short time. The good, the bad, the annoying, the ignorant, but most of all -- the most important thing -- the beauty. Beauty of companionship, loyalty, and friendship -- as corny and cheesy, or cliche that may sound. I already feel like we make an amazing team and I've never felt better. I've never felt so liberated and free. I don't have to try so hard to figure out what's in front of me or where that step or curb is, etc..
However, there's a tinge of loneliness still. Yes, she fills a giant hole, but there's still something missing. I know that there's no need to rush to find what I'm looking for, though. I'm young and have quite a while to find exactly what I need. And even though I feel hopeless and helpless at times, I get back up and continue forward. I've already started to push the boundaries of my comfort zone and I was triumphant with that push. I've flown cross-country and lived in an unfamiliar place (albeit for three weeks). I felt comfortable there.
I've connected with new people who have made a great impact. It's something I won't forget.
There's a novelty that is starting to wear off though. The happiness and joy I felt the last three weeks is starting to wear off. I'm not entirely sure what it's from. It could be just the general mood of NEPA and/or weather or work or lack of sleep..
Whatever it is, I'm sure I'll figure it out and find the answer to what is looming over my head.
Monday, March 28, 2011
Welcome to Oblivion
It seems I'm following a trend -- although I should have started this earlier than I have. It's better late than never, I suppose.
Should I go into introductions? I'm not even sure, since everywhere I will be posting this blogs link will already know who I am -- but I suppose for the Internet's sake, I will go into a short intro.
I'm Caitlin, I'm a visually impaired guide dog user with a BS in Information Technology. I have many interests and hobbies, for example -- music. Music is and will always be important to me. I, for the most part, am rather quiet, but I can be really chatty and sociable when the situation calls for it. I prefer to sit back and listen rather than be the centre of attention. This is goes against my zodiac sign of Aries -- a born leader, who takes control and is spontaneous. Although, don't count me out of that, I do "man up" when necessary and am a tad spontaneous.
I know who I am and what I want in life, even though I am still trying to find my way. Teka is helping with that! She is my 2 year old black lab guide dog. She is absolutely precious and the love of my life along with my cat.
If you're curious about the URL "artbreaker-circus," well I mashed two songs together because I lacked inspiration.
Should I go into introductions? I'm not even sure, since everywhere I will be posting this blogs link will already know who I am -- but I suppose for the Internet's sake, I will go into a short intro.
I'm Caitlin, I'm a visually impaired guide dog user with a BS in Information Technology. I have many interests and hobbies, for example -- music. Music is and will always be important to me. I, for the most part, am rather quiet, but I can be really chatty and sociable when the situation calls for it. I prefer to sit back and listen rather than be the centre of attention. This is goes against my zodiac sign of Aries -- a born leader, who takes control and is spontaneous. Although, don't count me out of that, I do "man up" when necessary and am a tad spontaneous.
I know who I am and what I want in life, even though I am still trying to find my way. Teka is helping with that! She is my 2 year old black lab guide dog. She is absolutely precious and the love of my life along with my cat.
If you're curious about the URL "artbreaker-circus," well I mashed two songs together because I lacked inspiration.
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