Saturday, August 13, 2011

From the Beginning

Usually I find myself thinking "This will be okay," but whatever that "this" is doesn't turn out as how I expected. A good majority of the time it ends in failure or letdowns for one or all parties involved.

In an ideal world, we would have everything we could ever want, hope, wish, and desire. However, this life certainly isn't ideal and yes, I've realized this a long, long time ago. I find myself in the mindset of  "never" being able to get where I want to go, do what I want to do, travel where I want to travel and be what I want to be. In due time, though, I suppose I will get to the point that I have accomplished every thing on my rather short bucket list.

I am still rather young, anyway--seeing as how 25 really isn't THAT old. Some days, I beg to differ.

Health-wise, I feel like I am deteriorating. With the near constant anxiety attacks I have been suffering, the constant visits to the eye doctor is rather draining. Yet, I chug along and keep going.

Work-wise isn't much better. I have been questioned on why I have been taking so much leave--yet, I have been hired under the authority for a people with a disability, so it is not like they hired me not knowing I am visually impaired. I was given the numbers of how much leave I have taken as well. And in my defence, in the last two years, I have had roughly nine or so eye surgeries, well over 100 visits to the eye doctors for follow-up exams and the issues that have come about. 

I am capable of doing my work properly and efficiently. I have proven that fact, however I do need to go to these appointments to keep what remaining vision I have intact. Otherwise, I would be needing more time off to rehabilitate, learn and cope.

I have been documenting everything and one of my four eye doctors has written letters to my organization stating the procedures done and requirements and limitations that may be encountered.

Graduate school is something I am still strongly considering,, but I have to consider my options of online schools compared to physical locations. I would love to do a program that I can travel to Japan and perhaps do some type of research project there. Although, I'm not entirely sure how to go about that. Also, I would need housing if I were to go to a physical location along with some type of job opportunity (work-study or part time job).

Honestly, I'm not even sure why I am thinking of these things... I want so much, yet here I am holding myself back because I am scared of being judged for whatever reason that may be. My eyesight plays a big role in it. I would absolutely love to go to Japan (and I know there are blind people who have), but I am terrified of getting lost. Then, there are all the requirements I will have to provide for AQS (Animal Quarintine Service), which I don't have an issue doing, but I'm afraid of access restrictions--not into the country, but into shops, restaurants, and the like. The worst that can be said is "no," and I know this, yet I'm still thinking too much.

My thoughts seem very scattered, even in this entry. I need to just sit back, take a few deep breaths, and relax.