Monday, October 21, 2013


There is a lot going on in my life at the moment, between facing my certain fears, finding ways to overcome them, and doing what is best for me.

First off, I would like to address the "Issue" with work. I am being terminated. This is actually a huge relief off of my shoulders. I haven't been yet, but I should hear soon on the decision. If I am, I can finally begin to pursue some other wonderful opportunities and see where that takes me.

Next, I purchased tickets for the County's transit authority bus thing to go to different places, while you have to call 24 hours in advance, I figured I could use the transit for doctor's appointments and things like that.

I've also decided that I would like to begin taking Tai Chi lessons. I think that this will not only help my mind, but of course my body as well, and then I'll be able to kick some butt.

I've discovered a lot of things that I'm terrified of that I must overcome, and I know that I am the only one who can make that happen and hold my head above water, yet uncertainty is still really scary.

Sunday, October 6, 2013


There hasn't been much going on in my life as of recent to update, however I do feel like updating and getting some things off my chest and perhaps understand myself a little better.

For the past year, I have been going to a therapist to help with my anxiety, depression, and to work out some other issues that I've come to realize that I have--such as an extreme terror of losing my vision, being alone, and my lack of self-esteem.

I have been working very hard these last few months to better myself not only mentally, but physically as well. I have started to eat better and exercise more, which makes me feel good too. I like exercising and there are a few minor spots that I need to lean out.

Mentally, I understand what is wrong with me and have been trying very very hard to maintain a positive outlook and keep an open mind. I've found who I am again and know what I like to do (as in hobbies). I am still pretty isolated, but I am working to fix that too.

I am certainly a lot more happier than I was and there is always room for improvement. I have been keeping track of my mood and how I am feeling each day to give myself an even better understanding and figure out ways to manage those moods.

As silly as this may sound, I have figured out one of my weaknesses and it is "love" as a whole... I am terrified of being alone (without a partr or losing a family member) and that no one will want me. I am terrified of going completely blind and then feeling even more alone that no one will want me. However, I am preparing myself for the day that I potentially go blind, but no matter how much preparation is done, there will be depression along with it. That is, of course, until I pull myself back up. I know I am not worthless, and I know I have a purpose in this world--I just need to find that purpose. I have plenty of reasons to continue moving forward and I do and will.

There was even a point where we had a family session in therap that opened up a lot of feelings and discoveries about me and my parents. My mother, for instance, is completely cool with me moving across the country, but not moving 30 minutes away. She says she has her reasons, but I'm not quite sure. One of them is that she thinks I will call for things if I am 30 minnutes away, but if I was across the country, I wouldn't have that option. I don't know if I agree with that, since I am trying to aim to be more independent.

I've done some things around my house to help me out too. I've labeled some items so I know what they are, I've completely cleaned out one closet and am organizing another closet so I know which clothing is which as far as color goes.

I've set goals for myself and trying to be more active in the way of getting out of my house and going for walks in different cities around the area.

And I feel like I'm writing in circles, I'm not sure why.

I guess, overall, what I'm trying to say is I'm feeling better or at least starting to feel better.

Oh! I recently put in an application to get a puppy. My mother says "No!" but ultimately it's my decision and I believe that another animal will help both me and Teka. Teka grew up with other dogs or animals around to play with and I want her to be happy and have another dog to play with. This isn't me saying I don't like playing tug with her, because I do, but it's just another resource for us. My mother seems to think that I will be putting Teka on the back burner and stuff along those lines, but I feel that Teka will be really helpful in me training this puppy. My siter in law doesn't think I can train a puppy, I'm not really sure why.. But I will prove everyone wrong andshow them that I can take care of another dog and have a good relationship with both dogs in my life. Teka is my guide dog soulmate and she can't be replaced in my heart, I want to give her a friend. Is that so wrong? I don't think it is.

Aaah, I guess I should end this here, since I'm starting to doze off and it is pretty late.

Until next time


Friday, August 2, 2013


I am incredibly tired of going to the doctors. I have gone to three appointments this week, and have two appointments each week for the next three+.

I had my first gynecological oncologist appointment yesterday. The doctor is extremely nice and genuinely seemed interested in the stories I was telling him. He explained to me about the tumor I have/had. Basically, it was a malignant tumor, very close to boardering legit cancer. Next week I have a CT scan schedule to scan my whole abdominal region to get a better look as to what is going on, then ultrasounds and more doctors visits after that.

I suppose it's just another thing to add to my list. I don't think I can have children, or I shouldn't. I can't. I don't want to put them through this. I'm at a much higher risk of getting colon cancer and breast cancer since they run in my family, as well as lung cancer. and a few other cancers...

Also, yesterday I found out I have a lung disorder too. I don't remember the name of it, but it's really frustrating. I have a thyroid disorder, mental health disorders, heart murmur, cyst on spleen, gallstones, blind, ovarian stuff, and now lung issues.

My body is a wreck and it doesn't seem to be getting any better. I don't really know what to do or how to handle all of this. I feel extremely alone and beside myself.

Sunday, July 21, 2013


Lately, there has been a lot on my mind. Way too much to actually comprehend for the most part, but there have been a few things lingering in the background. The first thing is my issues with trusting people. I know I have trust issues, and I am trying extremely hard to work on them and become a better person, however, it is very hard to work on something like that when there is a constant of being let down, screwed over, or ignored entirely. As well as the doubt of trust people due to my blindness. It is a very hard pill to swallow, to trust when you can't see. At least it is for me, I'm not sure about other blind individuals, but all I can speak for is myself. I focus a lot on judgement and what others may or may not think of me, and I fear if they know I can't see, then they will leave me behind or not like me or even treat me differently because of it. Deep down, I know I shouldn't feel that way, because the people who truly care about me don't notice it or mention it or half the time don't remember that I can't see. They don't see me as "the blind girl," they see me as me--as Caitlin--and I'm not sure why it's so hard for me to accept that. It's possible that it could stem from a relationship years ago, in which the person didn't believe in me.. Constantly belittled me and told me I wasn't going anywhere in life. That has had a profound impact on me, especially since I cared so much about that person and they betrayed me and stabbed me in the back. I also feel that people can do a lot better than me, because of my eyesight. I know I need to get over that and think significantly more positive. Yet, it is so difficult to feel positive and be positive when you are literally trapped in your house as though it is a prison. More than anything I would I want sincere happiness and genuine love from the one who is "the love of my life." Getting to that point means overcoming these obstacles, which I am doing my best with doing that. I am even trying to better myself in the blind community more than usual. I am going to be teaching myself Braille, continue painting, and playing bass. I am ready to explore and learn even more new things and be more secure with myself. Yet, I know in order to do those things, I am also going to need a little help. Although, I know I can get there and I will get there. I just need to keep going and having faith..

Sunday, July 7, 2013


There has been a lot on my mind recently in regards to an assortment of things in my life. As of right now, I am currently on FMLA from work, which leaves me in a tough situation in the financial standpoint, however if OPM finds me suitable for Disability Retirement, I will back-paid. The woman at work seemed fairly confident that I will get the retirement package, as well as Social Security will also accept it. My emotional state has seemed to pick up, which is a good sign. I still need to focus on a few aspects of myself in order to feel how I did a few years ago, but I suppose I am getting there. It makes me happy to know I'm on the road to recovery in my mental state. My medication seems to be helping a lot as well. However, there are still some days where I lose all ambition, all motivation, aspiration, and inspiration to do just about anything. I have made a plan to do a little cleaning, housework, and exercise in the mornings. I have been waking up around 4AM every day, and usually no one is up, so I figure that is when I can get my housework and the like fit in. My mother also thinks it is a good idea for me to get a work-from-home part time job. I am not sure where to even start to look for something like that. I suppose I will eventually find something, though. Also, I have been considering selling some more things on eBay. I have a few things I can put up that I think will sell, but it's just a matter of time.