Monday, October 21, 2013


There is a lot going on in my life at the moment, between facing my certain fears, finding ways to overcome them, and doing what is best for me.

First off, I would like to address the "Issue" with work. I am being terminated. This is actually a huge relief off of my shoulders. I haven't been yet, but I should hear soon on the decision. If I am, I can finally begin to pursue some other wonderful opportunities and see where that takes me.

Next, I purchased tickets for the County's transit authority bus thing to go to different places, while you have to call 24 hours in advance, I figured I could use the transit for doctor's appointments and things like that.

I've also decided that I would like to begin taking Tai Chi lessons. I think that this will not only help my mind, but of course my body as well, and then I'll be able to kick some butt.

I've discovered a lot of things that I'm terrified of that I must overcome, and I know that I am the only one who can make that happen and hold my head above water, yet uncertainty is still really scary.

Sunday, October 6, 2013


There hasn't been much going on in my life as of recent to update, however I do feel like updating and getting some things off my chest and perhaps understand myself a little better.

For the past year, I have been going to a therapist to help with my anxiety, depression, and to work out some other issues that I've come to realize that I have--such as an extreme terror of losing my vision, being alone, and my lack of self-esteem.

I have been working very hard these last few months to better myself not only mentally, but physically as well. I have started to eat better and exercise more, which makes me feel good too. I like exercising and there are a few minor spots that I need to lean out.

Mentally, I understand what is wrong with me and have been trying very very hard to maintain a positive outlook and keep an open mind. I've found who I am again and know what I like to do (as in hobbies). I am still pretty isolated, but I am working to fix that too.

I am certainly a lot more happier than I was and there is always room for improvement. I have been keeping track of my mood and how I am feeling each day to give myself an even better understanding and figure out ways to manage those moods.

As silly as this may sound, I have figured out one of my weaknesses and it is "love" as a whole... I am terrified of being alone (without a partr or losing a family member) and that no one will want me. I am terrified of going completely blind and then feeling even more alone that no one will want me. However, I am preparing myself for the day that I potentially go blind, but no matter how much preparation is done, there will be depression along with it. That is, of course, until I pull myself back up. I know I am not worthless, and I know I have a purpose in this world--I just need to find that purpose. I have plenty of reasons to continue moving forward and I do and will.

There was even a point where we had a family session in therap that opened up a lot of feelings and discoveries about me and my parents. My mother, for instance, is completely cool with me moving across the country, but not moving 30 minutes away. She says she has her reasons, but I'm not quite sure. One of them is that she thinks I will call for things if I am 30 minnutes away, but if I was across the country, I wouldn't have that option. I don't know if I agree with that, since I am trying to aim to be more independent.

I've done some things around my house to help me out too. I've labeled some items so I know what they are, I've completely cleaned out one closet and am organizing another closet so I know which clothing is which as far as color goes.

I've set goals for myself and trying to be more active in the way of getting out of my house and going for walks in different cities around the area.

And I feel like I'm writing in circles, I'm not sure why.

I guess, overall, what I'm trying to say is I'm feeling better or at least starting to feel better.

Oh! I recently put in an application to get a puppy. My mother says "No!" but ultimately it's my decision and I believe that another animal will help both me and Teka. Teka grew up with other dogs or animals around to play with and I want her to be happy and have another dog to play with. This isn't me saying I don't like playing tug with her, because I do, but it's just another resource for us. My mother seems to think that I will be putting Teka on the back burner and stuff along those lines, but I feel that Teka will be really helpful in me training this puppy. My siter in law doesn't think I can train a puppy, I'm not really sure why.. But I will prove everyone wrong andshow them that I can take care of another dog and have a good relationship with both dogs in my life. Teka is my guide dog soulmate and she can't be replaced in my heart, I want to give her a friend. Is that so wrong? I don't think it is.

Aaah, I guess I should end this here, since I'm starting to doze off and it is pretty late.

Until next time