Sunday, July 21, 2013
Lately, there has been a lot on my mind. Way too much to actually comprehend for the most part, but there have been a few things lingering in the background. The first thing is my issues with trusting people. I know I have trust issues, and I am trying extremely hard to work on them and become a better person, however, it is very hard to work on something like that when there is a constant of being let down, screwed over, or ignored entirely. As well as the doubt of trust people due to my blindness. It is a very hard pill to swallow, to trust when you can't see. At least it is for me, I'm not sure about other blind individuals, but all I can speak for is myself. I focus a lot on judgement and what others may or may not think of me, and I fear if they know I can't see, then they will leave me behind or not like me or even treat me differently because of it. Deep down, I know I shouldn't feel that way, because the people who truly care about me don't notice it or mention it or half the time don't remember that I can't see. They don't see me as "the blind girl," they see me as me--as Caitlin--and I'm not sure why it's so hard for me to accept that. It's possible that it could stem from a relationship years ago, in which the person didn't believe in me.. Constantly belittled me and told me I wasn't going anywhere in life. That has had a profound impact on me, especially since I cared so much about that person and they betrayed me and stabbed me in the back. I also feel that people can do a lot better than me, because of my eyesight. I know I need to get over that and think significantly more positive. Yet, it is so difficult to feel positive and be positive when you are literally trapped in your house as though it is a prison. More than anything I would I want sincere happiness and genuine love from the one who is "the love of my life." Getting to that point means overcoming these obstacles, which I am doing my best with doing that. I am even trying to better myself in the blind community more than usual. I am going to be teaching myself Braille, continue painting, and playing bass. I am ready to explore and learn even more new things and be more secure with myself. Yet, I know in order to do those things, I am also going to need a little help. Although, I know I can get there and I will get there. I just need to keep going and having faith..
Sunday, July 7, 2013
There has been a lot on my mind recently in regards to an assortment of things in my life. As of right now, I am currently on FMLA from work, which leaves me in a tough situation in the financial standpoint, however if OPM finds me suitable for Disability Retirement, I will back-paid. The woman at work seemed fairly confident that I will get the retirement package, as well as Social Security will also accept it. My emotional state has seemed to pick up, which is a good sign. I still need to focus on a few aspects of myself in order to feel how I did a few years ago, but I suppose I am getting there. It makes me happy to know I'm on the road to recovery in my mental state. My medication seems to be helping a lot as well. However, there are still some days where I lose all ambition, all motivation, aspiration, and inspiration to do just about anything. I have made a plan to do a little cleaning, housework, and exercise in the mornings. I have been waking up around 4AM every day, and usually no one is up, so I figure that is when I can get my housework and the like fit in. My mother also thinks it is a good idea for me to get a work-from-home part time job. I am not sure where to even start to look for something like that. I suppose I will eventually find something, though. Also, I have been considering selling some more things on eBay. I have a few things I can put up that I think will sell, but it's just a matter of time.